


Look back in (his) anger

by Nexys



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren is a Mess, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Skywalker, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:21:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23715835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nexys/pseuds/Nexys
Summary: What if?Ben Solo survived thanks to Rey, and together they started building a new life together, in the new Republic. It is not at all simple. Not when the ghost of Kylo Ren hovers over Ben as if he had never died, because of emotions and feelings that he repressed so long that he could not manage them. Despite everything, however, Rey is at his side to face all his anger and show him that Ren is just a bad memory to be locked behind the door of the past.
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Look back in (his) anger

_In pieces._  
What remained of what had been - until five minutes before - a room was nothing but rubble, pieces of wall, remains of furniture and destroyed scrap metal. In the midst of the devastation stood the trembling and uncontrolled figure of the one who had once been Kylo Ren.  
Rey could not take her eyes off him, unable to understand the intensity of what he must have felt to cause, once again, destruction.  
The war against the First Order was over, the battle against the Emperor won. Rey had had her life saved thanks to Ben's sacrifice, missed thanks to the efforts made by the girl in order not to let him fall into the oblivion of death. By holding firmly to each other and vice versa, they had placed in their Dyad all the faith and trust they had been able to, in order to remain both attached to life, almost with desperation, but together.

"Get out." Ordered a stern, low, hoarse voice. Rey winced, mindful of what his way of speaking meant.  
Kylo Ren was dead, dissolved once and for all in favor of Ben Solo's life. His redemption had been complete and sealed by a kiss that had left very little room for misunderstanding. The young woman, now christened Skywalker, to whom he had saved life, had won by saving his soul. She had torn him from the dark side with his nails and teeth, bringing peace to the universe and to him. His personal dichotomy between good and evil had resulted in the sweetness of a smile exchanged after that triumphant kiss, before slipping into the darkness thought deserved. Yet Rey's warm hand, her light, had brought him back to life. They had returned everything that the Dark Side had taken away from him in the name of a cause he had never really felt was his.  
Against all coherent logic, the last Jedi had dragged him onto the Millennium Falcon, and done everything she had been able to do to save his life. She had sensed him waking up from torpor, starting to flow with her again in the Force, and then saw him melt into a mild smile, after defeating death. Ben had pressed his hand to her face, finally able to feel her at his side. What had been the end of Kylo Ren, had been the new beginning of Ben Solo, the only son of Leia Organa and Han Solo.  
With their eyes into each others, Force in Force, they had united forever, body and soul, never to separate again, for the rest of their mutual existences.  
Going back to life, keeping Kylo Ren in the past, however, was anything but simple. Despite the miraculous redemption, Ben continued to be looked upon with suspicion by all those who had represented the Resistance, now the general guardhouse of the new Republic. Poe, Finn, Rose, even C3-PO, all those who had lost someone because of his ego and his arrogance - his devastating role - continued to hold a deep grudge, which went beyond naked and raw hatred. He knew it well, understood it, although he suffered in silence under the calm expression he had assumed by being at Rey's side. He knew that if it weren't for her, they would try to kill him - without success, his ego suggested - but he was also convinced that if she wasn't there, he would simply choose to die, unable to find a reason to live that didn't was Rey herself.

He who had been Kylo Ren had no fear of dying. He had chosen without thinking twice to sacrifice his life to give it to that girl who had definitively brought back the legendary Balance in the Force. He had done so with the awareness that he no longer has a place in the Universe, and the right to have one. It was at that moment, when slipping into the arms of death he had grabbed that luminous arm that had kept him from falling into the void forever, that Rey had surprised him once again. She had forgiven him, saved himself and as if that had not been enough, she had given him back a place in the world, as well as a key role in her heart and in her life.  
The only fear he had learned to feel was to lose her

"No." was the reply of the girl who, from behind, observed him with profound disturbance. What she felt came from him was colossal anger. In his being physically immobile, Ben was bursting with devastating anger, and Rey remembered his traits with absolute precision. His was the anger of Kylo Ren, destructive and exhausting, the same that she had read in him at the first meeting. Despite the fear that Ben could feel in her at the same time, there was no way to calm down. The only way he knew to vent that burning fire that corroded him from within, was to destroy what was around him, kill, impose his supremacy. Eliminate any source of disturbance, remain the only one able to breathe. Repressing himself was difficult, painful, almost as much as the guilt he felt mounting under his blind fury.  
The girl behind him took a step forward, one step too far for his limit of endurance. He turned abruptly and held out a hand towards her, his teeth gritted and a feral look painted on his face, paralyzing her. Rey winced, taken aback. Some time had passed since the last time, when it was still the masked demon who blocked her to harm her. She could not hide the discomfort, if not only in appearance, due to his gesture.  
“I ordered you out. Don't make me throw you out. "  
His way of reacting was painful. The young Skywalker could clearly feel Ben's suffering flow past her. She offered no resistance, remaining passive in the face of paralysis. "If you think it's useful, do it."  
The control Ben had over her broke, cracking his expression. She did not hold back, once free but numb by his power, and tried to approach him. “Stop acting like the monster you are not. Stop hiding your emotions under a mask now broken. "  
The boy gritted his teeth. "Rey, you're taking a huge risk..." he murmured, with a vague pleading tone. He trembled before his determined gaze. In the past, he had hurt her, he had longed to kill her and hand her over to the Dark Side, and the mere thought of being able to hurt her again because of his anger scared him beyond all limits, almost as much as being able to lose her once and for all.

His fury had arisen like a violent storm, which broke out in the middle of a clear sunny day. All because of that ex-stormtrooper who had never given up trying to convince Rey not to trust him. He had heard the girl laugh with him, be in confidence, and his attempts to endure him had failed when he heard them speak privately on the Falcon, with a minor excuse. FN-2187 had gone beyond all limits.  
“You are wasted, for someone like him. I think you are forgetting who he is. He will always be Kylo Ren. He killed his father, many of our friends and who knows how many countless other lives! ".  
That had been the drop that had overflowed the vase. If only Rey had not intervened before the irreparable happened, Finn would certainly have died, he would have torn his heart and...  
He would have lost _her_.

He cursed himself for looking for her at that very moment, for finding her and for having secretly listened to their conversation. Full of anger and resentment in having seen Rey stand between them to ward off the dispute, he had retired to his room inside the headquarters of the new guard, demolishing with bare hands everything that had happened to him, to the point of tearing up pieces of rock and plaster from the walls just to vent the violence of his feelings.  
 _He will always be Kylo Ren._

And as if that hadn't been enough, he was amply showing it to her.  
Rey disarmed him without hurting him. "I'm not afraid of you." And speaking like that she bridged the distance that divided them, to grab that same hand that had blocked her. Ben hadn't even noticed he was bleeding.  
"You're an idiot. A perfect idiot, Ben. You are jealous of a boy who detests you, and to make matters worse, you are also convinced that I can believe his words and listen to him. Look at what you've done... ", she scolded him, while under his mesmerized gaze she tore off a piece of uniform to bandage his hand. Rey was so tense and worried about him - not herself - that she didn't think she could heal him with her powers. Taking advantage of his silence, she approached to embrace him, closing her eyes with her face resting on his chest.  
Ben Solo suddenly felt - again - a monster. Rey gave off warmth and blind trust, he could feel it together with the sense of concern that was addressed to him. He squeezed her into an embrace and heaved a long, tortured sigh through her loose hair. If only he had been able to express displeasure in words.  
"Don't run away from me, Ben... don't treat me as if... as if..."  
 _As if I couldn't understand you, help you, love you._  
"He is right."  
"It is not so."  
"Rey ..."  
"Ben, no."  
"Watch me. Stop believing that I am no longer Kylo Ren. I blocked you. I thought about suffocating you. To throw you out of this room and kill that... ", he made a brief but salient pause. “I felt that desire. Look at me, Rey, and try to tell me I'm not a monster! " He raised his voice through gritted teeth, meeting her gaze. Instead of answering spicy and with the same anger, Rey remained silent. She stretched out both hands until she closed his face between her fingers and only then did she speak in a low voice.  
“I felt your every emotion and desire as if they were mine. I felt your pain. I can feel it now, and it hurts me, Ben. You can block me, strangle me, you can try to kill me if you think it's good for something. But I know you won't. You can think of it, but you are no longer able to do it. And do you know why? Because you are Ben, and you are no longer Kylo. "  
He fell silent, paralyzed by the intensity of what he felt was coming from her.  
Rey smiled, standing on tiptoe to leave a kiss on his cheek. "You are my Ben, and as such you will help me rebuild this room... again."  
With his eyes closed, the boy held her close, letting anger flow out of his body and mind. It was the second time he demolished that room, and for this very reason he could not help but hide an almost embarrassed expression in the hair of that glimmer of light that was Rey. Only the flow of the Force could know how much he loved her.  
 _Or maybe not._  
"Me too." Murmured the young woman, giving him a smile. _I love you._ "Me too, Ben."

_“Just fight it, fight it,_  
and be transformed”.  
(Rise, Katy Perry)


End file.
